Archive for the ‘How I messed up my life, by Marya’ Category

So I did something so stupid eh.. I and now idk what to do.. I mean I am happy Justin is still my friend and that we watch movies and message each other sometimes on Blackberry even tho the messages have gotten less over the last week days but I understand.. Things aren’t the same no more between us no doubt.. After what I did to him. I couldn’t even face him when he came over to see me.. But I didn’t stop him from coming and I should have eh??  He had to find out and that was one way to show him even tho it wasnt the right way. He’s a really good man and very honest and fun to know. We still share some things like we used to idk if it’s a good idea but I am glad we do 🙂

 I wanna know what it feels like to be with him sexual yeah I said it, I bet he’s a fn awesome lover just by the things we have shared so far eh 😉 so I got all my ID and can get my new passport and then be able to go and find out for myself.. I try not to think of him as much as I use to but sometimes it hard not have him on my mind..

I made some new friends and confused to some old ones who are still my friends still cause they enjoy knowing me and things havent changed between them and me yay, Thank God eh .. I am still me how I am and act. But I notice I have changed how I talk or think of Justin now but, no one else.. Were all still very close and talk the same way as before.. I wish him all the best in life cause he deserves it no doubt.

What if I go fuck Justin and like it too much and it would suck to just leave, Most of my friends think I am nuts to just go to see him for sex.. So idk what to do about it.. It would drive me nuts not knowing. I never wanted to feel anyone that way as much as I want to him. I really feel I should go and see for myself what I would be missing out on eh.

I started to workout to get in shape and try to fill a void I feel now. I been sun tanning and eating proper and doing my P90X workouts swim in the pool and so on but, I still feel kinda empty inside. This is the begin of a new me I have changed how I use to be and thank you Justin for that, and helping me get my sleeping habits proper and all the stuff I did learn from knowing you wich is more than you realise eh *hugs*

I got some really good friends and family trying to help me smarten up and get through all of this mess I made. And I love and thank them for it for not hating me or judging me, love you all..

I know some of my friends will read this and hate me for it but oh well, its my life and I am a big girl eh.. lol

I don’t know what to do.. I have not lived near or close to my family most of my life.. I left home when I was 16 yrs old.. Moved all over the place til I made Winnipeg my new home and stayed for 15 yrs off and on.. I moved to Windsor in March 2009 to be close to them.. But I did enjoy being away from them as much as I missed everyone too..  But I wanna leave Windsor so bad, but I wanna stay at the same time, at least til I go see Arse this time and not run away from him eh.. I wanna know how it feels to have his nekkid body against mine. And to feel him deep inside me.. Sigh. I wish I didn’t let things happen the way they did. If I didn’t I could have known what  it feels like to be with him.. Idk if it’s a good idea to go and have sex with him but, I feel if I don’t I would always wonder how good it felt..  Sigh I hope I figure out these things before its to late… I never been with some one just for sex, but I wanna know all the same how good it feels..

I have or had no problem letting the inner me or my personality out, I can’t help but be the way I am, how I talk or act is me, But there’s always a way to mask part of our life as I found out and someone else did too.. I am sorry… I thought I wanted to get into more details about how I messed up my life and an awesome other person’s life to.. But guess I was wrong.  Nows not the time or place today.

I am such a Bitch

Posted: June 16, 2010 by Marya in How I messed up my life, by Marya
Tags: , , , ,

I really messed up my life and another persons life too.. Wish I would fix it and never look back but its not so easy.. Ever do something so wrong that you wanted to get out of it but waited til I was to late.. Then you lost it all and feel like shit as the days go by and you still know that person but wish it never came down to the way it ended?? I wanna get into more details but I dont feel its right for the other party involed eh .. Dam wish I knew what to do to make my Karma better.. Maybe as the days go by I will confess all eh.. Thats what I am hoping to do.. Knowing that my friends will still search out my old blog and find my new one..