Posts Tagged ‘morning’

Seriously, get out of the Cracker Jack and learn the rules of the road.

When the Crossing Guard has his stop sign out it means stop. Stop you effin’ freaks! It doesn’t mean you step on your gas, go through his stop sign or hit him with your vehicle.

If I am in my vehicle and stop to let somebody cross, it doesn’t mean you zoom around me and hit a child. I’m stopped for a reason. Use your neanderthal-laden brain.

This is how you avoid killing me and others in the morning:

1. Make sure you get at least eight hours of sleep.

2. Lay out your clothing the night before so you know what you’re going to wear.

3. Shower the night before so you aren’t in such a rush.

4. Always put your keys in the same place so that you aren’t scrambling to find them in the morning.

5. Put your children’s homework in a designated place.

6. Give yourself enough time to get to your destination.

When it’s my time to die and God comes to collect me I don’t want to be wrapped around your car’s grill, a bloody mess. Call me crazy, but I don’t like pain.

Wake the hell up in the morning. Stop running on zombie mode. I don’t care if you have to drink a vat of coffee or use Fred Flinstone toothpicks on your lids. Punch yourself in the face, whatever it takes.

Why is it that I seem to be able to get to work on time but you can’t? Do you have to be so obnoxious behind the wheel? Have a little respect. We might be protecting your child or grandchild.

This has been a public service announcement.

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Whilst gnawing on a piece of cheese last night I wondered why the human population is so crazy about cow’s milk. I mean, think about it. Everyone is drinking liquid that comes out of a stinky animal with a big slobbery tongue in its gob. It chews its food, barfs it up and then chews it again. It’s pretty gross when you think about it. Why don’t they make cheese out of human breast milk? It sure would be a lot easier to digest than cow enzymes. What about a whole line of human milk products? Can you imagine a bunch of naked women in a barn all lined up and hooked up to electronic milking machines? Oh crap, wait a minute. That’s just one more fantasy for men to drool about. Forget I mentioned it.

I have something else to get off my chest. (The crowd moans). Why are some people so freakin’ mean? I’d really like to know what they get out of it. Do you notice how some people never have a damn good thing to say about anyone? They criticize, lie, blame others and do just about anything to make other people’s lives miserable. I won’t name names. Let’s just call the person I’m talking about, Mr C . This anonymous person needs to be stabbed in the cranium with a fork. Isn’t there an island they can be shipped to? Too bad there’s no such thing as an anti-mean taser gun. Give-um a shot in the arm every time they say something stupid. I bet that would curb some arseholic behavior. You might think I need therapy after reading this but here’s the clincher, folks. You are my therapy. Ha-ha! Yeah, the mind is a dangerous thing, especially at five in the morning.